Earlier today the lovely ladies at This Happy Place and Mouse on the Mind took stabs (pun absolutely intended!) at everyone’s favorite car ride game, Kill/Mary/Do (shag/screw, etc). In their version, however, the game takes on a Disney spin. So, in today’s game, one is forced to choose an Epcot country to marry, refurb, or kill. Always one for games – and always one to give my constructive criticism about Epcot – I thought I’d take a whack at it (ha!), too.

Marry:

Japan. Perhaps an unconventional choice, I’m going with it nevertheless. I don’t care that there isn’t a real attraction: Japan gives me kaki gori and the Mitsukoshi store, and that’s enough for me. CP and I can’t take a trip to WDW without stopping into the Mitsukoshi store at least once, and I’m embarrassed to admit the total amount of money we’ve shelled out on all things kawaii. Lucky cats, Totoro plush, scarves, candy – Mitsukoshi is a playland for nerdy adults like us. Beyond these two things, I find the pavilion’s aesthetics quite pleasing, and appreciate the array of food options – good snacks, a good quick service, and decent table service restaurants are yours for the taking. Japan also gives you a prime view of Spaceship Earth across the lagoon, and I love watching IllumiNations from the balcony outside of Tokyo Dining. Plus, you know, candy making and drummers. And kaki gori!

So, so good.

Refurb:

This one gave me some trouble, because unfortunately there are a few choices you could make for “pavilion most in need of a refurb.” In the end, though, I’m going with Norway. Norway is staler than a day-old schoolbread. There is a pervasive 80s vibe that sticks out like a sore thumb, and while the 80s were cool again there for awhile, that moment has passed. Both Maelstrom and the post-ride movie are outdated; the mural in the Maelstrom’s load-area is particularly galling. (Hey, let’s celebrate oil! That’s en vogue!) Also, it says something when you can’t entice more than 3 people at a time to stay for the movie following the ride. The shops are usually empty save the hordes of kids coloring their KidCot Duffys, and I don’t think Akershush is particularly Norwegian, nor particularly good. Let’s do something with folklore, let’s improve the food, let’s really ramp up the Viking theme into something new and exciting. Let’s do something. Until that happens, Norway will remain a pass-through country for me.

One Norway offering I wouldn’t get rid of.

Kill:

Growing up near Detroit, our nearest fun getaway city wasn’t Chicago, but was actually Toronto. Cosmopolitan, full of culture and great food, Toronto is only the tip of the iceberg of my ridiculous love for Canada. So that’s why it pains me to say that Epcot’s Canada needs to die, die, die. Ugh. As if the abomination that is Le Cellier’s all-day “signature” dining isn’t enough, the pavilion is visually underwhelming, lacking in quality attractions, and offers embarrassingly stereotypical merchandise for sale. The garden is pretty, but I work on a college campus that is also a beautiful arboretum, so I can get pretty gardens at home. And then there’s the whole Flower and Garden Festival thing. Give me something more than an overpriced steak and a nice garden, Canada, and then we can talk.

I dislike Canada so much that I can’t even find a picture of it. How about this guy instead?

Welcome:

There are a lot of countries whose presence would immensely enhance the World Showcase. That said, it strikes me that there is currently no World Showcase love for South America. That’s why I’m recommending that we add Argentina to the mix. The cuisine opportunities alone (steak! wine! chocolate!) would be fantastic, and Argentina’s rich cultural and musical histories would lend themselves well to an Epcot pavilion. Plus, as the world’s largest Spanish-speaking country, the inclusion of Argentina would be a positive nod in the direction of the many WDW visitors who hail from Spanish-speaking countries besides Mexico. I also like that it would be a subtle homage to the work Walt Disney, Mary Blair, and others did in South America during World War II as part of America’s “good neighbor policy.”

More of this, por favor!

Which Epcot country would you marry, or perhaps date only casually? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments, or on twitter @WonderlandNerds.